Building A Better Girlfriend
by MindOutOfMine
Summary: He tried it with someone else's girlfriend, now it's time to try it with his own.
1. Chapter 1

_Summary_: He tried it with someone else's girlfriend, now it's time to try it with his own.

a/n: This rumbled around in my head for a while. It was actually supposed to be kinda funny, but it ended up being more on the serious side. Let me know what you think and we'll see about getting out another chapter.

a/n: My second story attempt. Constructive criticism is welcome. I know my writing style is a little weird.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Big Bang Theory.

_**Building A Better Girlfriend**_

_ Sheldon's Log: Supplemental. My earlier critique about Amy's behavior may have been a bit harsh. She _has_ been spending a lot of time with Penny, otherwise known as Captain of the USS "Slaves to Baser Urges". Amy seems to be more easily influenced by the company she keeps than am I. A pity. She is the only one, save myself, I have seen with the capacity to achieve homo novus status. If only I could groom her properly for her station._

_ Leonard once told me that I shouldn't try to change his girlfriend to my liking through conditioning, but if I change my own girlfriend that way, surely no one would have a problem with that._

_ In order to deter her from spending too much time with her friends, I could have her spend increasing amounts of time with me instead. Though this will seriously cut into my Lego fun time, it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make in order to mold Amy into the type of person she is meant to be. She'll also be thrilled to hear that we'll be spending more time together._

* * *

"I can't. Tonight is girls' night," Amy said with a grin.

Sheldon stared at Amy's Skyped face on his computer screen, astounded. Was she really turning down a spontaneous evening with her boyfriend to hang out with a couple of hooligans so they could all drink wine and act like idiots?

"Did you consider how difficult it was for me to even suggest something like this, Amy? I am a man of a routinary lifestyle," Sheldon told her.

"I know. That's why I've decided to save you an evening of going out of your way to do something different by not agreeing to your suggested evening. Therefore I can stick to my routine and you can stick to yours," Amy said.

Her logic was flawless, yet another reason he thought she would make an excellent addition to his own race of beings. Unfortunately, her refusal would prove problematic. He needed her to reduce the amount of time spent with those hens she called friends in order for his plan to come to fruition. He'd coaxed correct behavior from Penny by using chocolate as positive reinforcement. While his girlfriend did like chocolate, he didn't think the promise of such delights would change her mind.

Then again, he was sure that an impromptu date night would be temptation enough to lure her from Penny and Bernadette.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for girls' night," Amy told him.

He could see that she was about to end their session, so he quickly spoke, "Wait!" It had come out more desperate than he had intended.

It was enough to stop her, but he wasn't sure what else he'd wanted to say, resulting in a long silence between them.

Sheldon's brain began calculating possible and past statements and their outcomes. Failed promises of sweets, which hadn't in fact happened yet, but he was sure it would if offered. The spending of time with him _not_ warranting the cancellation of her prior engagement. The Little House on the Prairie revenge scandal. The Indiana Jones virginity loss misinterpretation. And then it occurred to him what he'd discovered on the very day of his conditioning of Penny. _Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior._

"I wanted to surprise you with some of the things I had planned for this evening," he added calmly. "One of which is the discussion of where we stand regarding intimacy."

He was no expert on human behavior or reading expressions, but something in Amy's manner definitely changed.

"Alright. I'll just have to tell the girls I'll catch up with them next time," Amy told him.

"Excellent. Pick me up at seven and we can go to your apartment," Sheldon said.

"I'll see you then," Amy said, barely able to conceal the smile on her face.

That little scheme had worked like a dream. His attempt to whisk his girlfriend away from her friends was an absolute success. His only problem now was how he planned to have a discussion regarding intimacy when he had no clue as to what needed to be discussed.

* * *

...at seven...

Amy had arrived promptly, per usual, and greeted her boyfriend with a smile when he opened the door. "Hello, Sheldon."

"Hello, Amy," Sheldon greeted in return. "Would you like a beverage before we leave?"

"No, thank you," Amy replied.

Sheldon gave a nod. "Very well." He closed the door and locked it, even though Leonard was there. Then he adjusted the strap of his messenger bag and gestured for Amy to lead the way down the stairs.

The neurobiologist started heading down, but looked at Sheldon the whole time. "So, what do you have planned for this evening?"

"I don't want to spoil the surprise, but I think this is a discussion that is long overdue," Sheldon told her. "I've done a lot of research since we last spoke and I think you will be pleasantly surprised."

Amy's eyes lit up and the grin on her face nearly distracted him to the point of imbalance.

* * *

...at Amy's apartment...

The ride to her apartment had been a quiet one. He supposed she knew that he wouldn't speak of the topic of their discussion until he had reached their destination. He was glad she knew him so well.

"Would you like a drink?" Amy asked as soon as she closed her door.

Sheldon took a seat in his spot on her couch and gave a nod. "Yoohoo if you have it." He began rummaging through his messenger bag and pulled out a clipboard with some papers attached.

The glass of Yoohoo was placed on the table in front of Sheldon and when he looked at her, he noticed that she's opted out of drinking anything. She was just sitting there looking at him and patiently waiting for whatever it was he had to say.

One sip from his glass, and he could tell that she was already growing impatient. He decided that they should get their big discussion out of the way before they began their impromptu date night. "Amy."

"Yes?" Amy asked, almost too quickly. The entire room lit up with her smile.

"I have been doing some research and I believe I've come up with a solution to our disagreement where intimacy is concerned," Sheldon began.

"Yes?"

Sheldon simply offered her the clipboard.

Amy gazed at the cover page in disbelief. Her smile quickly retreated and was replaced with a look of disgust. "Sheldon, how could you?!" She didn't even bother looking at any of the other pages on the clipboard. She just shoved the documents back at him and stood, glaring down at her boyfriend.

Sheldon looked up at her, confused.

"You say that you want to talk about intimacy, but instead you give me THAT?" Amy fumed.

"What? It's a valid solution. I'm surprised I hadn't thought of it sooner," Sheldon told her.

"You want to solve our intimacy issues by offering me a male escort?" Amy practically hissed at him.

"Of your choice," Sheldon tried to explain. He flipped through the papers on the clipboard. "There are pictures. I'll pay, so all you have to do is have a good time."

"A male prostitute, Sheldon?"

Sheldon raised his eyebrows. "Before we were dating, you were willing to try it with Zack."

Amy took a deep breath and closed her eyes. "Sheldon, please leave."

"I can't. You're my ride," Sheldon reminded her.

"I think you should leave. Just take the bus," Amy tried to say calmly.

"But our date night's not over and I don't have my bus pants."

"I don't care. Call Leonard. Just get out of this apartment, right now," Amy said, remaining as quiet as possible as not to disturb her neighbors.

Sheldon knew Amy could have quite the temper when she wanted to, so he quickly put his messenger bag back over his shoulder and walked out of the apartment. As soon as he closed the door, he realized that he'd left the clipboard on her couch. But knowing what he now knew about women, he wouldn't dare go back in to get it. Maybe once she cooled her head, she would reconsider and want to look it over.

Thankfully his phone was in his pocket. "Leonard, come and pick me up. I'll be outside of Amy's apartment."

...to be continued...?


	2. Chapter 2

a/n: Thank you so much for the reviews and favorites! Anyway, I'm trying to capture these characters as best I can, but it is DIFFICULT. Please let me know what you think.

_**Building A Better Girlfriend**_

_**Chapter 2**_

Both Sheldon and his roommate stared straight ahead as Leonard drove Sheldon home.

"You know, when you said that you were gonna have an impromptu date night with Amy, I thought you would be gone for more than twenty minutes," Leonard pointed out.

Sheldon folded his arms across his chest and looked out of his window. "Yes, but I didn't take into account one very important thing."

"And what's that?"

"Women are completely illogical," Sheldon told him.

Leonard furrowed his brow, but kept his eyes on the road. "Wanna talk ab–?"

Before the shorter physicist could even complete his question, Sheldon went on. "I wasted precious hours of my time figuring out a solution to our problem with intimacy and she dismissed my proposal like it was nothing."

Leonard glanced over at Sheldon with a confused expression. "She turned you down?"

"Obviously or we would be continuing our date night," Sheldon told him. "I cannot understand why she was so upset about it. I was sure it was what she wanted."

"I can't believe she would actually say no when she's been looking forward to sleeping with you for so long," Leonard murmured, but it was loud enough to be heard.

Sheldon finally looked at Leonard and turned up his nose. "Sleeping with _me_? No, no, no. I didn't offer anything like that. I offered to pay for a male escort for her."

Leonard slammed on breaks in the middle of the road–thankfully no one was behind them–and he looked at Sheldon, astounded.

"You nearly killed us both! I can't believe I let you drive me around town!" Sheldon shouted.

"You offered her a gigolo?"

"Please take more care as to how you drive. You could have thrown me through the windshield."

"I _should_ throw you through the windshield myself! You just offered your _girlfriend_ a male prostitute!" Leonard exclaimed.

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "Yes. One of _her_ choosing. There were pictures."

The car just sat in the middle of the road while Leonard tried to process what his friend was telling him. "I can't believe you would even suggest something so asinine. You were jealous when she was dating Stuart and when I took her to a wedding. How do you plan to deal with the fact that she'd be having sex with some other man?"

Sheldon was about to say something, but he stopped to think for a moment.

Leonard nodded. "Yeah. Consider that." He finally started driving again.

"Sheldon Cooper does _not_ get jealous," Sheldon finally said.

* * *

...back at their apartment...

_ Sheldon's Log: Modifying Amy's behavior may prove more difficult than I previously anticipated. The promise of a discussion of intimacy was enough to get her away from her friends for one day, but if my assertion that sex works better than chocolate to modify behavior is indeed false, then perhaps I should consider an alternative. Who am I kidding? I don't make assertions. That was a valid conclusion based on an observation. Assuming that a homo sapien such as Leonard could be compared to a 'near' homo novus such as Amy was merely an oversight._

_ Negative reinforcement, however, may be a better approach. So, what could be used as negative reinforcement for when Amy wants to spend time with Penny and Bernadette?_

Sheldon leaned back in his chair. (What I need is a taser,) he thought.

The Skype tone on Sheldon's phone wrested him from his pondering. "Amy?" he asked himself once he saw who was calling. He was sure that since she'd kicked him out of her apartment that she wouldn't want to talk to him again for some time. Once again her moth-like personality was drawn to the undeniable flame that was Sheldon Cooper.

"Hello, Dr. Fowler. To what to do I owe the pleasure of your call?" Sheldon asked.

"Hello, Dr. Cooper," Amy greeted with a very serious expression. "I did some thinking since you left and I've been told that I acted too rashly."

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "You've 'been told'? Let me guess. This was the 'expert' opinion of Penny and Bernadette, correct?"

Amy nodded.

"Well, they happen to be right. Though I must say that I don't approve of your giving out details of our date night, especially to those two," Sheldon told her.

Amy sighed and glared at him through the tiny screen on his phone. "I was calling to apologize."

"You are forgiven." It surprised him that he'd forgiven her so quickly.

"And to accept your offer."

Sheldon fell silent, the bridge of his nose up to his hair follicles growing cold with what could only be described as dread. He wasn't sure why, though. He'd wanted her to have the intimacy she desired. And for him _not_ to be involved in said intimacy was an added bonus. Not only that, but he could also schedule her meetings with this stranger on Amy's girls' nights, thus neutralizing his initial conundrum. The logic of the situation was perfect.

Yet, for some reason he was getting a weird feeling in his stomach. Indigestion, perhaps? The upper half of his head still felt all but frozen. Some strange variety of fever, possibly? And he felt the sudden urge to leave the apartment and run a marathon through the streets of Pasadena. Sudden onset mania?

Case in point: He was ill and should seek immediate medical attention.

"Alright," Sheldon finally said. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to have Leonard take me to the hospital."

There was a look of what he assumed to be concern on Amy's face. "Are you okay?"

Sheldon sighed. "It was probably just something I ate."

"Then I should come over and take care of you," Amy pointed out.

Sheldon chuckled weakly. "While the Relationship Agreement does state that we should take care of each other when we are sick, you are not a licensed physician and what I need right now is a thorough examination. Possibly a CT scan."

"Just because of something you ate?"

"Yes. I'll keep you updated," Sheldon said. Before she had a chance to object, he ended the transmission.

* * *

...moments later...

"Leonard, I am unwell. I need you to take me to the hospital," Sheldon said when he came out of his bedroom and found Leonard sitting on the couch playing Dishonored.

"Hospital?" Leonard asked, pausing the game. "This isn't like your appendicitis that just turned out to be gas, is it? Because to be honest, you look and sound better now than you did then."

Sheldon stopped his trip toward the door and took a deep breath. "Curious. The symptoms have died down a bit. But it never hurts to be certain. Let's go."

"Sheldon, I'm not taking you to the hospital if you're not hurt or sick."

"I'm telling you there was something very disturbing about my symptoms a moment ago. It all happened so suddenly, I'm not sure if it'll happen again," Sheldon told him.

"If what will happen again?" his roommate asked.

"Well, I was talking to Amy and then suddenly everything from my nose up felt cold, my stomach did the wave and I considered going outside after dark," Sheldon explained.

"Diagnosis: You're crazy," Leonard said, going back to his game.

"I am not crazy. My mother had me tested," Sheldon reminded him.

Leonard put a halt to his game again and looked at Sheldon. "Wait. You were talking to Amy?"

"Yes."

"What about?"

"She called to apologize."

Leonard squinted his eyes. "That was unexpected. I was sure she'd be mad at you for at least a month."

"Oh, Leonard. She and I are above holding grudges." That wasn't entirely true. "So much so that she accepted my offer for–" Sheldon stopped mid sentence and felt his insides making flippy floppy. "There it is again."

"Oh my God! She said yes?" Leonard asked.

"Yes. Now can we go to the hospital? For all I know I could be playing host to an alien parasite," Sheldon said.

Leonard sighed, shook his head and went back to playing his game. "No, you're not."

* * *

...to be continued...?

a/n: Yes, this just ended in the middle of a conversation. Sorry if this chapter wasn't interesting. Let me know if I should continue.


	3. Chapter 3

a/n: Good gravy! I was not expecting that kind of response to the second chapter. I sure hope I have what it takes to make this story worth your while, people. Thanks so much for the love. I feel inspired. Still trying to keep these characters in character.

a/n: Also, this chapter took longer than I expected. Thank you for your patience. Let me know what you think. And please feel free to be honest. This is the final chapter after all. (You have no idea how nervous I am about posting this.)

_**Building A Better Girlfriend**_

_**Chapter 3**_

"I already told you that you would get jealous. That's what's up with the weird feelings you're getting. The hospital can't _fix_ jealousy," Leonard tried to explain to his roommate as he turned off their Xbox 360.

The taller physicist folded his arms tightly across his chest and stared at Leonard. "And I already told you that Sheldon Cooper does _not_ get jealous."

"So, you're really gonna hire some guy to sweep your woman off her feet and then lay with her?" Leonard asked.

"..." Sheldon's mouth moved, but the only things that really came out were unintelligible stammering and filler words. Was the great Sheldon Cooper speechless?

"Then, I'm also gonna let you in on a little secret. You don't want her first time to be with a guy whose _profession_ is pleasing women. Because if you ever _do_ decide that sometime down the line you finally want to be intimate with her yourself, she'll be ruined for regular men," Leonard said.

"Oh, now you're just being silly," Sheldon finally said.

"Fine. Don't listen to a word I say. Go around thinking you're not jealous. Go around thinking that having another man make love to your girlfriend is actually a good idea. But once you find out that you were wrong the entire time, I can't say that I won't tell you 'I told you so'," Leonard ranted. "I'm going to bed." He stormed out of the living room without so much as a goodnight.

Sheldon frowned. (What's he so upset about? It's not like it's _his_ girlfriend,) he thought. As he headed toward his bedroom, he began thinking that conditioning one's own girlfriend was much more complicated than conditioning someone else's.

* * *

...some days later...

Sheldon had Leonard drive him to Amy's apartment. An unannounced visit from her boyfriend was sure to brighten her day. Besides, they had to discuss the details of Amy's escort.

Something in the back of his mind made an attempt to push forward, but the "train" of thought that was _pi_ crossed its path, preventing its transition to the forefront.

After his signature knock, there was no immediate answer. He was sure that she was there since her car had been in the parking lot. As soon as he was about to rap again, Amy finally opened the door. The condition she was in startled him a bit. Her entire body was soaking wet and she wore nothing but a towel.

His gaze lingered on her naked shoulders before he had a chance to avert his eyes. "Do you always answer your door like this? What if I'd been a stranger?"

Amy pulled him inside and closed the door. "A stranger? With that knock? No, I knew exactly who was there, though I wasn't expecting you."

"In any case, you shouldn't do that. What if Leonard had been here with me?" Sheldon asked, looking back at her. The towel she wore was longer than any normal towel should be and she was clutching it tightly to her chest.

"Then I'm lucky he wasn't. If you'll excuse me, I'll just finish getting dressed," Amy said.

He watched her hurry back into her bathroom, relieved that she didn't seem to harbor any malice toward him, considering their altercation earlier in the week. He was sure that since he hadn't received any communications from her, aside from the update on his condition health-wise, that she might still be angry. (We really don't hold grudges,) he thought, taking a seat in his spot on her couch.

The first thing he noticed was the clipboard he'd left with her. Had she chosen which gentleman with whom she wanted to engage in coitus? Sheldon suddenly began feeling woozy and his chest didn't feel right. He felt cold. There was a strange pressure on his gums. The backs of his eyes were prickly. He was short of breath. His hands felt more empty than usual. He was as light as air, yet as heavy as a Buick. He wanted to stand. He wanted to lie down. He wanted everything and nothing at all.

And when Amy finally came back into the room, Sheldon realized that his teeth and his hands were tightly clinched, so he did his best to relax. The physicist was all too conscious of her movements as she took a seat next to him.

"Now, what brings you here unexpectedly?" Amy asked.

"Your hair is still wet," was Sheldon's response. He'd surprised himself with his statement. He was sure that the first thing he would do was ask to be taken to the hospital. His sudden and bizarre symptoms were really getting out of hand, yet it was her damp hair that he chose to address.

"Obviously," Amy told him.

"Well, shouldn't you dry it?" Sheldon asked.

Amy looked at him strangely. "I like to let my hair dry naturally sometimes."

"But do you think that's a good–"

"Sheldon! I know you didn't come all the way here to lecture me about wet hair. Why are you here?"

Sheldon's eyes immediately shot over to the clipboard.

His girlfriend nodded and picked up the clipboard. "I wasn't aware that you wanted to discuss it so soon. I have yet to make my decision."

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "How difficult could it be?" he asked snippily.

"I don't know if you know this, Sheldon, but a girl's first time is very important to her. Some women spend their whole lives waiting for the right one to come along. Someone to whom she can give everything that she is," Amy said, staring sadly at the cover sheet.

Sheldon frowned and looked at her for a moment. "Right one?" But wasn't _he_ her 'right one'? Coitus was just coitus. What they had was so much more. A random encounter with some bloke she'd only be having sex with shouldn't matter. Yet, even as he thought it, his hands clinched again, knuckles white.

"Maybe you'd like to help me decide," Amy suggested.

Sheldon rolled his eyes again and didn't respond, only clinching and unclinching his fists.

"I mean, if I'm going to spend a magical evening ending in coitus with someone, isn't it better if he's Sheldon-approved?"

"Why would you even want to do something like this? Ours is a thinking species. We should not succumb to the wiles of our endocrine systems," Sheldon told her.

Amy narrowed her eyes at Sheldon. "It was _your_ suggestion."

Well, he couldn't really go back on it since he suggested it, now could he? Why was he suddenly second guessing his initial theory? It was perfectly logical and she was a willing participant now. He could schedule these erotic meetings during girls' night. And he would still have his Lego fun time. Everything was falling into place. (Except for the fact that some stranger would see her naked shoulders,) a thought came to him from nowhere.

Her shoulders should have been the _least_ of his worries.

He took a deep breath in resignation. This was for the sake of evolution. Her status upgrade demanded the use of positive reinforcement. And positive reinforcement for her meant providing a means for more intimacy than he could give. Her behavior would become pliable as a result. "Fine," he said quietly. "But before we begin, I think I should mention that you didn't offer me a beverage."

Amy stood and nodded, the clipboard still in her hands. "My apologies. Tea?"

Sometimes he was almost positive that this woman was a mind reader. "Yes, please."

What was he so desperate to change about her in the first place? Was the influence her friends had on her really so bad? After all, he did like her for who she was, quirks and all. Penny and Bernadette may have been adding an unnecessary tune to the perfectly balanced melody that was his girlfriend, but it was not enough to sour the song that was their relationship.

Sheldon followed the neurobiologist into the kitchen and watched as she filled her kettle with water and set it on the stove.

"I do have one in mind, but I'm still not sure. I think we should have a look at all of them to see which ones you prefer," Amy said, fingering the clipboard on the counter.

Sheldon stared at the cover page and frowned. He was beginning to feel antsy, so he clinched his hands into fists again. That visit to the hospital was starting to sound better and better. "Alright." Hadn't he just decided that none of this was really necessary?

Amy flipped to the first picture of a gentleman with dark hair and dark eyes. "What do you think?"

Sheldon flinched and looked away. "I doubt you could have an intellectually stimulating conversation with him. Next."

His girlfriend looked at him for a moment, then flipped to the next picture. "This one's an older guy, but he's handsome."

Sheldon found himself rolling his eyes about that statement and his face began feeling warm. It was his own stubborn pride that wouldn't allow him to put a stop to this. "Same problem. Next."

"Are you going to approve of anyone here?" Amy asked. "Because you're practically throwing a temper tantrum."

"I am a man of science. I do _not_ throw temper tantrums and my approvals and disapprovals are based on logic," Sheldon told her.

"Your approvals and disapprovals are based on jealousy."

The physicist's mouth hang open in surprise.

"Admit to it and we'll call the whole thing off. Three little words. You can say them. Just say 'I am jealous' and this will all be a thing of the past," Amy offered.

The more he looked at it, the more it seemed that he might indeed be jealous. This was not a topic with which he was familiar. And he had been told more than once that he had been jealous before throughout his relationship with Amy. He didn't want to believe it, but Leonard was right. His little roommate had correctly diagnosed his symptoms well before he'd realized it himself. (I can never let him know,) Sheldon thought.

Unfortunately, Amy was standing there waiting for him to admit it out loud to her. How troublesome.

The kettle whistled.

"Look at that. It's tea time," Sheldon said.

Amy took the kettle off the stove and set it aside, then turned back to him. "I'm waiting."

Sheldon sighed. "Fine... I'm jealous." He was rarely embarrassed, but admitting to such a primitive _emotion_ stained his cheeks pink. Leonard would have a field day if this got out.

Amy's smile brightened the entire apartment. "See? That wasn't so hard. Now we can put this messy business behind us." She picked up the clipboard and handed it to Sheldon. "You should be glad. I was gonna pick the guy on the last page."

As Amy attended his tea, he frowned at the clipboard. Was this an attempt to pique his curiosity? He didn't care who she would have picked. It was all in the past now. Why linger on such unpleasantness?

"You may have admitted you were jealous, but I still want my romantic evening with that guy," Amy prodded. "Even Bernadette and Penny thought we would be a perfect match."

Sheldon rolled his eyes for the hundredth time that day and flipped to the last page. It was the picture of him that she kept on her cell phone.

Amy simply wriggled her eyebrows suggestively as she passed him his tea.

* * *

The End

a/n: I know this was kinda predictable, but please let me know what you think. Thank you for reviewing and favoriting and thank you for taking the time to read this fic.

a/n: Also, it looks like I tend to end stories in odd spots. Sorry about that.


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